This is a new home.
I used to live somewhere else. I had all my stuff there. Including stuff I don't want. I'm trying to go through it. I'm trying to throw it out. It's tough, trying to get rid of stuff that, for whatever reason, you had some impulse at some point to keep. Unless you're talking about something that belongs to someone else, accidentally left there, throwing it in the trash means contradicting an impulse that you previously had.
And that's okay, right? In the morning you have an impulse to wake up. In the evening you have an impulse to go to sleep. Yin and Yang. Homeostasis. Physics: what goes up, must come down. Contradiction creates balance. Balance is stability and stability means certainty. Uncertainty is hard to deal with. Uncertainty is not the same as contradiction. Uncertainty is imbalance. Chaos. Meaninglessness.
But, does balance have any more meaning?
When I said that I have a new home, I meant in two senses: that I've lived in a new house for half of a year and I'm writing something on a new domain. I'd previously been writing a blog on Tumblr. And now, I've got my own URL. If a domain is just land on the internet, then I'm driving a stake in the ground like a 49'er. Buying a patch of land. Of course, before, I was renting for free, subject to billboards on the frames of my work. And now, I'm still renting a service that creates lay-outs for the page. I can't do it without that company. In my new physical home, I've had to pay plumbers, window repairs, gardeners, our utility company, our garbage company. I pay for tons of services, not to mention, the fucking bank. Cost of living.
The cost of living. Even to be born requires an entrance fee - just for a competent person to pull you out without getting you infected. To be born costs. There is a cost to continue living.
But, does balance have any more meaning?
By having balance, we're able to head where we want to go. We're able to get what we want. But what's the point of wanting things? I think the people that want things argue "the point is that i want them". It's a tough logic to defeat. And why bother? Especially if doing so is of no consequence.
And going down these rabbitholes - you can really get lost. And then, it's hard to find your way back up.
In my home, i'm sitting near batteries and a pickle jar full of screws. There are miniature flags for the United States and the State of New Jersey. There is a cigarette box from my brother's trib to Bosnia. There is art that my wife made for one of our early dating anniversaries. There is a picture of my wife and my best friend. There is a painting of my dog by my nephew. There is a hash pipe from my best friend's trip to Thailand. There are drill batteries, a tape measure and super glue.
There is also a duck with suction cups on it. I have a distant memory of it being on my car's rear window. And I recall a friend having something similar. But I can't recall now, if it ever had any real significance. I tried placing it in our kitchen, but my wife despises it. She has no recollection of it. I should throw it away, but haven't made a decision yet. So it's just been sitting here.
There is a 15 to 20 year old duck puppet with a suction cup on it's belly, and to our knowledge, attached to no discernible memory.
Though a part of me still wonders if it was from a time...
Was it...
No. Nothing. It means nothing to me.
So what do we bring with us? It's not necessarily the things I'm proud of, but the things that have some significance to me. Just the shit I want. Just because I want it.
Comments